


Monumentally Stupid

by DemonSquipster



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Denial of Feelings, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Self-Doubt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 02:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13627098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonSquipster/pseuds/DemonSquipster
Summary: Arthur Ketch reflects on his recent decisions. His sanity, at this point, is holding on by a thread. The other strings snapped when Mick Davies died.





	Monumentally Stupid

**Author's Note:**

> Some jazz, and some free writing time, and a good idea can give you fun angst ideas. 
> 
> Shameless promotion: I have a Tumblr now, (awesome, wow) @demonsquipster obviously. I accept feedback there as well, and prompts too. Happy Ketchvies is nice. I also have a Wattpad, (I'm sure you can guess my username cOuGh CoUgH @demonsquipster cOuGh CoUgH) where I share ships, reviews, and other terrifying things like that. 
> 
> You can enjoy your angst now, that's all.

He was lost without Mick.

 

Ketch was working with Asmodeus, who was on his ass all the time about Lucifer and the nephilim, yet on the other hand, the Winchesters were everywhere, and they didn’t trust him; which was an understatement. No, they’d much rather just kill him and feel  _ better about themselves _ . Especially trigger-happy Dean Winchester, who everyone just praised. 

 

It’s not that he was jealous of Dean, not in the slightest. It was the fact that Dean was allowed to have Castiel around, but Ketch never was able to have Mick around. Dean could be so open about his relationship, meanwhile, Ketch had to hide it for years. 

 

At least, with the British Men of Letters, things had seemed easier. Sure, he knew he was quick to anger, but he was always able to blow off steam with Mick and ‘cases’ - not as in the American Hunter definition. With Asmodeus, he hoped he could bury himself in his work. He wouldn’t have to feel the guilt and grief that demanded to be felt. 

 

He was constantly being reminded of Mick, in every little thing he tried to do. Everything except actual killing. His clever lover would have never. Of course, Timothy’s parents and Hayden Foster’s mother would disagree, but those were nothing compared to what Ketch had done. 

 

No matter the amount of innocents he’d killed, he was  _ not  _ a monster. But there was a small part of him that had always believed otherwise. Here Dean was, confirming all of the doubts Mick had worked so hard to diminish. And he was disgusted with himself for believing Dean for even a second. 

 

The deal for him to let Rowena go was for her to put a Resurrection Seal on both himself and Mick. Apparently, only one was successful. 

 

He couldn’t be honest with Sam and Dean; it would have been easier for himself to say he just wanted to have his Seal back to full power. The truth was something Sam and Dean never would have figured out. 

 

Ketch just wanted Rowena to bring Mick back.

 

He wasn’t stupid. He wouldn’t have made a deal with a crossroads demon, obviously. He was already going to Hell, that of which he was positive, but he wasn’t going to bargain with his soul. 

 

It wasn’t just that he wanted Mick back, it was more like he needed Mick back. 

 

He hadn’t been taking care of himself as much as he should have, and he knew that. Mick would be disappointed in him, if he’d seen what shape he truly was in.

 

Of course the differences in his mood and actions were clear to himself. He wouldn’t expect Asmodeus, or  _ Dean  _ to notice. If Mick had still been around for him, he was sure he would have noticed too.

 

Mick knew him too well. That Irishman with those wonderful green eyes of his waltzed right into Ketch’s life and practically took a sledgehammer to the walls he’d spent so long building up around his  _ emotions _ . He hadn’t meant to love him. He didn’t want to in the first place. The only way he knew how to keep himself from getting hurt was to pretend he didn’t have a heart, but  _ he  _ had found it, and suddenly everything revolved around Michael Davies. He never really did care about the British Men of Letters or the Code. It didn’t seem of importance to him. But there must have been a reason he ended up at Kendricks. And then he met Mick, with his upbeat attitude, and stupid charm, and… everything around him now was crashing down. Much like the temporary British Men of Letters headquarters in America, he supposed. 

 

When Ketch realized Mick was  _ dead _ , he wanted to cry and kick and scream, but he knew he couldn’t. It wouldn’t do a damn thing, and he wasn’t going to waste his breath on unnecessary things. When Mary and Dean had cornered him in the bunker, after the blood started pouring out of his shoulder, he thought he was done for. Rowena had lied, and he could be with Mick. But he woke up when Mick didn’t.

 

Why was he the special one? Why would Rowena choose him over Mick? He was left with so many questions. He knew Rowena was alive, no matter how many times Dean said she wasn’t. He knew how powerful the Seal was, and burning her wasn’t going to keep her dead. No, she’d be back. So he’d keep searching. He’d find the nephilim, and hand it over to Asmodeus, and he’d find that witch too, and get Mick back. She’d brought back people before; she could bring back Mick. Right?

 

Sleep threatened to overcome him, and he fought it with what strength he had left. He couldn’t sleep. Mick had been something of a dream catcher to him at night. He could keep the nightmares away, because Ketch felt safer with him around. Every little reassuring touch made him feel just a little bit better. He never understood why Mick stuck around, but he did. He was the  _ only one _ who did. 

 

With Mick gone, his bothersome nightmares returned, darker than ever. Everytime he even closed his eyes, the lifeless look he’d seen in so many others now stuck with Mick. He’d never be able to unsee that. He felt more helpless than he had in a very long time.

 

At least he knew his cover with Mary worked, and it had even stuck with Dean apparently. He had asked about Mary for the sheer sake of being polite. That’s not how Dean took it - because Dean Winchester can’t take anything right, could he? No,  _ Dean Winchester  _ had to get what he wanted when he wanted it, or he’d throw a tantrum. He wanted to be a Hunter, yet have all his friends and family alive. Sure, Dean could have Sam and Castiel with him, even if it meant the death of everyone near them. Yet when Ketch wanted one singular person alive, he wasn’t allowed that. 

 

It’s not even that it was Dean’s fault that Mick was dead. No, it was  _ his  _ fault. His own bloody fault, for being so monumentally stupid. He’d actually thought that plan would work. Some people followed the Winchesters, as if they were gods or something. The only thing that would ever follow Ketch was death and destruction. 

 

He was furious; at what, he wasn’t sure. Dean, for embodying his self-hatred and tossing it in his face with insults and punches? Did he blame Mick’s death on Rowena?  _ Or himself?  _ He couldn’t tell anymore. Maybe, there was a small part of him, that blamed it on the British Men of Letters. They had been the ones to commissioned his death. 

 

He couldn’t think about this any longer. He just wanted to continue searching for Rowena, without interference from the Winchesters or their pet angel. 

 

He was  _ not  _ a villain, and they would  _ not  _ treat him as such. 

 

As much as he disliked Asmodeus at times, he understood the Prince of Hell. His logic made somewhat sense in Ketch’s head. After Rowena proved useful to himself, perhaps he’d turn her over to Asmodeus as a  _ reward _ of some kind, for supplying him with targets.   
  


He would get Mick back, and maybe, just  _ maybe _ , he could pretend things were okay again. 

 

He just needed that one hour more with him. 


End file.
